So you think you want to go to graduate school

Lots of people toy with the idea of going to graduate school, but as we know, only a self-selected few actually do. And those who do wonder constantly if it is the right thing to do. I'm no exception. I think about whether I've done the right thing with my life a lot. I've been chasing this Ph.D. for 8 years now. In January 2001, I began to make up the deficiencies I had in my undergraduate record. I thought I'd get my masters. If all went well, I'd get my doctorate.

I wondered if I was smart enough. (I am.) I wondered if I had what it takes to stick with it. (I do.) I wondered if I would enjoy the job I got when I got out. (I believe I will.) I wondered if it was as bad as some people made it out to be. (It is.)

About a year ago, when I was in the middle of one of my blue funks, I conducted a survey of graduate students (which I still haven't properly analyzed), and got input from the people who've been here about whether they would do it all over again. Most would, but most were unhappy about some facet of the way their graduate experience had gone. More than a few were disillusioned with academia. If I can be given a little room to extrapolate here, I'd say that most clearly loved with the work, and clearly were not in love with what it takes to do that work. And that made me realize something about the people who do succeed in graduate school. We don't give up when the going gets tough, or when the going gets really tough, or when the going get ridiculously, unbelievably, inconceivably tough, or even when you-really-should-have-brought-a-lawsuit-over-this-shit-already tough.

Graduate school reminds me of marriage that way. The relationship starts off in this idealized, I'm-just-crazy-about-you way and over time it becomes more and more strained until one day you come to your senses and realize that the way you're being treated isn't ok. Not in your book. Not in anyone's book. So yeah. An ability to tolerate the intolerable because there is no other path leading toward your goals--that's what it takes to be a successful grad student.

I understand now what J meant when he said he would tell people to do something else if you could, but if you can't do something else, then, dig in and get comfortable.

So, yes, people in grad school are smart. Being smart is the least of your worries. Do you have the other traits necessary to succeed in grad school?

Are you tenacious? Can you stick with it when you hate your advisor, when nothing is going right with your work, when your committee is convinced you are a moron, and when nightmares of having to pay back those student loans wake you up in the night? If not, stay away.

Are you self-motivated. No one is going to hold your hand in graduate school. No one is going to make sure you are working. If you need a coach just to get out of bed in the morning, join the gym. No one is going to cheer from the sidelines to spur you on. Maybe your mama, but certainly no one you work with.

Do you know what your strengths and weaknesses are? Self-awareness is extremely helpful. If you don't know already, graduate school will gladly point your weaknesses out to you.

Are you thick-skinned? Can you stand people yelling at you? Because professors will. They will say things to you that cut to the bone. You will be amazed that these people can say these things and live with themselves. Trust me, their comments may hurt but they are doing you a favor by saying them.

Can you work alone? Graduate education is, by its very nature, singular work. No one is going to be there when you are in the lab night after night after night. This is your path. Remember?

Confidence. In fact, I would say that most graduate students border on narcissistic personalities. We believe in our abilities. Usually, we have the stuff to back up that faith.

Are you ready for the hard realities of life? Because I'm going to tell you, you aren't nearly da shiznit as you think you are. Most smart people are used to being the smartest person in the room. In graduate school, everyone is smart. Most of them are smarter than you. You will feel stupid around these people...for a very long time.

I have heard many people say that a graduate degree is "just a piece of paper" and "it really doesn't mean anything". I can't even address how wrong these people are. Graduate school is a gauntlet and you really can't begin to understand how much that paper represents until you have done it yourself.

I'm still wondering 8 years later whether I did the right thing.

More Panty Twisters

Life is linear. You learn as you go. The past two weeks were a treasure trove of life lessons. Here are a few that caught my attention.

1. There appear to be two types of people: doers and worriers. I am a doer. I get things done. Worriers get nothing done and chap my ass.
2. Compromise is a foreign concept to most people, who seem to think that conflict resolution occurs when the other guy gives in.
3. Conflict resolution skills should be taught in nursery school with a refresher course every Monday morning.
4. Scientific disagreements should never be taken personally and taking it personally is a sure sign of professional immaturity.
5. I don't have time to resolve everyone's conflict nor do I have the desire to, and yet, I find myself constantly thrust in that position. Most people don't like my approach to conflict resolution, to which I say, "Tough shit. You involve me in your conflict, you get what I bring."
6. In any group effort comprised of more than three people, I will get the least desirable job. The least desirable job comes with the most work, the lowest amount of recognition, the highest risk of blame, and the highest probability that you will make the undeserving look competent.
7. If there is a way for someone to really piss me off, they will exercise it.
8. I have no respect for people who undermine or misrepresent my work. None whatsoever.
9. I seem to run into a disproportionate number of assholes.
10. I like people with foreign gestures. They are fun to watch. I've decided to adopt a few.

5353 Miles in 12 Days

Folks, that's an average of 446 miles per day. Every day. For 12 days. That's about the distance from New York City to Cleveland.

Every trip is a learning experience. Here's some things I learned.

1. When you find a population of your study organism, sample it. Do not go 5 miles down the road. Do not eat a sandwich first. Stop the car. Get out. Sample the population. Failure to do so will ensure: A) The population down the road evaporates before you get there. B) You are unable to re-locate the population when you come back, and C) A pack of rabid coyotes, a DNR worker, or a livid land owner will be standing guard when you return.
   
2. I don't get Texas. At all. And I'm done trying.
   
3. The best Motel 6 ever is located in Oklahoma City.
4. Colorado has beautiful horses.
   
5. If someone is behaving badly on the roadway, invariably they are sporting California plates.
6. Kansas City, my behind. The best smelling BBQ is found in Moriarty, NM. Jake agrees.
   
7. Both Dennys and IHOP put milk in their pancakes.
8. The average breakfast out costs $12, a price I consider outrageous for eggs and a few slices of bacon and a pancake containing milk.
9. The cascading flight pattern of desert hares works against them in a showdown with a car.
10. Jake is a pretty damn good field assistant.
11. Road signage in the Navajo Nation leaves a lot to be desired.
12. I owe Rich Spellenberg a bottle of scotch.
13. It's always a relief when, having the evidence to resolve a long standing feud, you prove the person right who has been helping you.
14. Everyone should do the drive from Grand Junction to Durango. And the Beartooth Highway. And the ring of Kerry.
    
15. Oklahoma could use a lesson or two regarding the appropriate warning distance for upcoming road construction. Seriously. Like before more people die.
16. Coca Cola always tastes better ice-chest cold and in a glass bottle.
17. I am intoxicated by the freedom of the open road and answering to no one, which is to say, I have grown fond of traveling alone. Quite fond.
18. Truck stops are pretty safe places if you have to sleep in your car.
    
19. I have people who care about me enough to check on me every single day. And who those people are surprised me.
    
20. I can sleep in a car for two weeks without wanting to take someone's head off.
    

Lessons from the Road

I believe on each trip you learn something about yourself. Here's a quick run down of somethings I've learned about me.

1. I CAN find Abronia without Liv or Jack.
2. Not only that, I can find Abronia on the side of the road while going 65 miles an hour after dusk.
3. I am not cut out for California driving.
4. I am content to travel alone.
5. I am not a camp cook. I try to care about food on the road, but I don't. Apparently, my fixation with food is simply a hobby that I dabble in during idle hours in my every day life. Cold spaghetti from a can sounds better than dirtying a ton of camp dishes.
6. I will consider myself acclimated to the elevation when I stop losing blood through my nose.
7. Motel 6 is pet friendly and perfectly fine if the wind, cold, or quivering dogs threaten your sleep and sanity.
8. I am much more cognizant of other people's needs and feelings than they are of mine.
9. There are times when it is good that I am out of constant contact with my everyday life.
10. Ultimately, I am the only one upon whom I can depend.
11. My bullshit meter really is full up.

Bonus. During a few tense moments in the field and on the road, I have learned that I am fully prepared to harm someone who tries to harm me.

A reminder for me

Life occurs just outside your comfort zone.

On Being 46

Today, I turn 46 years old. As far as I can tell, there is nothing groundbreaking about being 46, except that it is a nice even number and puts me one slippery slope to 50, which all in all, I consider to be a much cooler age than 46. I like the idea of being able to write a reflection on my "first 50 years". In any event, 46, as lackluster as it might seem, is okay with me. It'll do for now.

I pulled out my birth certificate today only to learn that I was born in the afternoon, not the evening as I always assumed. My mother tells me I was induced. Figures. I am notoriously late. My mother had a doctor's appointment that day. It was cold and the streets were slick. (One must remember, this was the early 60s when December was a cold month.) The doctor told her to go directly to the hospital and he would meet her there. (One must remember, this was the early 60s when the average OB/GYN was male and they told you what to do, not the other way around.) She wanted to go home and get her bag and was afraid the slick streets would mean she was not there to meet the doctor at the appointed time. (One must remember, this was the early 60s when no vehicle had anti-lock brakes.)

Apparently, my father had a reputation for passing out in the waiting room, the bathroom, or just about anywhere with a flat surface, but he made it through my birth. Those were the days when the fathers paced in the waiting rooms until word came and then they handed out cigars, or, in the case of my dad, lay prostrate on the floor until someone came in and threw cold water on him and told him it was all over. Presumably, several days later I came home via a car with no seatbelts, lacking a padded dashboard, and in the arms of my mother and not some pansy safety-tested car seat. It is amazing I survived the ordeal.

I was born into a time of Perry Como and Bing Crosby Christmas specials. Television went from black and white to color, from What's My Line to the Midnight Special in a decade. My childhood was Mr. Rogers, Mr. Cartoon, Walter Cronkite, Howard K. Smith, Johnny Carson, Wolfman Jack, Dan Rowan and Dick Martin, Goldie Hawn, McHale's Navy (Ernest Borgnine and Tim Conway), Flip Wilson, Carol Burnett, and M*A*S*H. I watched Watts burn, helicopters landing in Vietnam, cops with fire hoses attacking peaceful protesters. I was in junior high school when Pong came out. I saw Bambi and Jaws in the same summer. I saw Star Wars and learned all the words to American Pie and Rapper's Delight. I spent an extraordinary amount of time in a swimming pool, ran cross country, watched the inaugural episode of Saturday Night Live, lost my virginity, and played Pac Man and Space Invaders. I saw Ronald Reagan shot and a space shuttle blow up on live TV. I remember the mornings we mourned John Lennon and John Belushi. I still have the issue of Time introducing America to AIDS. In 1983, I went to see Bruce Springsteen and The Rolling Stones because I was sure it was the last tour for both of them. I graduated, moved to a town with a building larger than 30 stories, and buckled down to make my way in the world. Married. Divorced. Back in school. My life has been interesting.

But now I'm dull, ordinary 46. I live in a house that I could live in the rest of my days without wanting for much. I've got it pretty good. I own my own washer and dryer. I have a garage with a garage door opener. I have no desire for a fantasy car or a McMansion. None of my furniture matches and I really don't care. I enjoy botany and reading and keeping upon politics and I try to keep my writing chops by updating this vanity blog. I do wish that I lived in a larger town with greater dating options. I'm not dead yet, despite what my sister seems to think.

Sometimes I wonder what different directions my life could have taken if, for example, I'd married my first love, or if I'd never married at all. If I'd gotten a degree in accounting instead of English. If I'd gone to law school instead of graduate school. If I'd become a veterinarian instead of a botanist.

And then there's the stuff I wouldn't have changed for anything. The dogs. The places I've lived. The traveling I've done. The people I've let in and the one's I let go. My years post-40 have surpassed the dreams I had for my life as a kid. I climbed a mountain in Yellowstone. I took Jake to the Pacific Ocean. I've toured Graceland. I've grabbed a cowboy's ass in Nashville. I've fallen in love with a man I couldn't have… and Utah. I've stargazed on the Continental Divide. I've depended on the kindness of strangers. I've lent a hand to those in need. I've learned to control my temper and my ambition. I've learned to live with my flaws, accept who I am, improve when I could, and really like myself. I have allowed myself to be the adventurer I always knew in my heart, I was.

I have learned some important lessons in my life.

• Embrace failure. It's ultimately more useful than success.
• If someone says, "You can't do that", it's probably because they didn't and wished they had.
• Laugh loud.
• Love large.
• Don't be stingy with compliments. Some people die without understanding how awesome they really are.
• Never pass up church food, spaghetti dinners, pancake breakfasts, fish fries, dinner at Grandma's house, dinner at your friend's mom's, or bake sales.
• The least among us is our equal.
• In general, people are doing the best they can.
• Unless there is a really good reason to say no, say yes.
• If there is a good reason to say no, don't be afraid to say no.
• Sometimes an entire crowd is waiting for one person to speak up. Be that one voice.
• Few things in life worth doing come without risk. Whether you succeed or fail, the important thing was that you tried.
• Forget other people. The only thing that matters is what you think of you.
  
• If a week passes and you haven't told someone you love them, you have a serious problem.
• If money, power, or position causes you to change your behavior, you don't know yourself and that is a much greater worry.
• Fear no one unless they threaten your life. Then, let the ass kicking begin.
• Everyone should have a signature dish.
• Most mistakes are forgivable. Some mistakes are unforgivable. Don't confuse the two.
• If you ask your friends to describe you and they can't or aren't willing to say three positive things about you to your face, you need to seriously reconsider your friends and your priorities.
• Sometimes, words are meaningless. In such cases, shut up.
• Complacency kills.
• When shopping, keep in mind that in almost all cases, you don't need that.
• When someone takes advantage of you, it's almost always because you've let them. You don't have to let them.
• Just for fun, every once in a while, do something you thought was impossible.
• Feed your curiosity.

I am Daktari. 46. Adventurer. Risk taker. And not half done yet.